I'm leaving for home on Monday and am so excited.  I can't believe this thing is almost over.  I'll be writing blogs soon summarizing our time in China (preview: I loved it) and thoughts on this experience as a whole.  Right now I'm trying to spend as much time with my friends from the race and preparing myself for coming home.  Please pray for me, it's going to be an adjustment leaving these amazing people I've traveled the world with and assimilating back into western culture. :o)

I've written 3 blogs today, that must be some kind of a record. This one I copied though (thanks Annie) because I'm not a big fan of writing and why reinvent the wheel?

Tomorrow we head to Asia and there are a few things I need to tell you about our time there. It is illegal to convert people in the country we're going to. We do have several Christian contacts that we will be working alongside. In order to protect the security and anonymity of the contacts I will not be able to access The World Race site. I may be able to send blogs to my parents to post, but they will need to be free of any Christian words or phrases. I will not be able to tell you specific places, names of people, or post pictures that would give away location or identity. The government watches sites visited on the Internet and e-mail, so if you contact me please refrain from using any Christian phrases (God Bless, Praying for You, In Christ, etc.). Please continue to pray for our group, but especially pray for the Christians in this country. Our group is not exactly inconspicuous and I would hate for our presence to cause imprisonment or harm to any of the contacts.

Here's the before and after pictures of the project and then some before and after video (for some reason the video isn't showing up on the home page, so if you'd like to look at it, click on the article title).  And in case you were wondering, no I'm not a giant, the room has a very low ceiling:

BEFORE

AFTER

Cambodia…so here's how it went:

Beginning feelings: Totally freaked out

Our first day with our ministry, we pulled up to the church and were shown right away where we'd be sleeping.  I tried to muster a positive attitude as I was shown a small apartment that would hold 8 girls, 4 of whom would be sleeping in the living room, pretty cramped, without air conditioning.  Usually I can deal with heat, but we had been an a place previously for a few days where I was always hot and felt so lethargic.  After seeing the room we were whisked away for a meeting with our contact for a briefing of ministry opportunities.  I was beginning to feel overwhelmed and was doing a lot of silent praying.  As they were listing out the ministry options, nothing seemed like a good fit for me.  We then went to each department at the church to get a little more info...the anxiety was mounting.  My teammates told me later they could recognize it on my face (it really is nice that they know me so well).  I finally had to excuse myself, went to our apartment and cried.

So many things were reminiscent of my time in Peru, the month that for me culminated in a major freak out and melt down.  The lasting taste in my mouth from Peru was one of defeat.  Coming to Cambodia and seeing so many similarities like an underdeveloped and dirty town, close living quarters, team issues, an active church with a lot of opportunities and the possibility of high expectations and little rest, difficult transportation, and nothing really seeming to fit ministry wise.  It all seemed just too much.

I asked God over and over…"Why are you doing this to me?  You knew how hard it was for me in Peru.  You knew you were bringing us here.  Why would you do this?"  I sat and cried for a bit longer and then felt the Lord saying clearly that He was going to give me a second chance at Peru and that I wouldn't go crazy.  An overwhelming feeling of peace came over me; I knew I was going to make it.  A bit later someone came in the room and told me about an opportunity for me to decorate a Nursing Mothers/Prayer room and I got so excited (I love to decorate)!  It was such a gift from God, He didn't need to give it to me, but He did. 

The project gave me a place where I felt "at home" and made it easier for me to branch out and try the other types of ministry.  I'd work some of the time on the room and the other trying new things.  Here's a few pics I borrowed from teammates of times with those ministries:

I got to play with children who lived in slums (Stacy's)…

visit some people living out in more rural Cambodia, where I also preached a bit!(Stacy's)...

teach English (this is a pic of Erin, but I taught in this same classroom)…

and assist Brooklyn Tabernacle as they came to do medical ministry (Anne's).

One of the other "gifts" that God gave me were people I could communicate with!  I love talking with people, hearing their hearts and their stories.  It's often been a challenge for me this year not being able to communicate on a deeper level.  This month I had not only one deep conversation but many!  Yet another gift from God.

Ending Feelings: I genuinely enjoyed our time and feel like I can trust God more.  Now I'm thankful that He brought me to Cambodia and let me go through this trial to show me that I could make it.  He really believes in me!

Okay no not really BUT Relevant Magazine, one of my favorite magazines, has an article on the World Race.  Jeff Goins eloquently sums up what this experience has been for me and so many of my friends.

Check it out: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life_article.php?id=7488

Here's my friend Michelle's account of what we saw one of our first days in Cambodia:

"While in Phnom Phen, we were able to tour the city and learn a bit of the history of Cambodia.   It is hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that only 30 years ago a genocide occurred here … but what is more astonishing is the fact that I had never even heard about it.   The Khmer Rouge … the Killing Fields … 1975-1979 over 2 million Cambodians murdered.   In his insanity and drive towards creating a Communist Cambodia, the leader of the Khmer Rouge, Pol Pot, killed off anyone in his way - the educated class and their families, doctors, teachers, students, engineers, Buddhist monks, foreigners, etc.   He believed that by having an uneducated mass of followers, he could more easily create a working class which would help to establish the Communistic "equal" society that he dreamed of for Cambodia.  

It's all just REALLY messed up.   We were able to visit the S-21 center where approximately 20,000 Cambodians were imprisoned, tortured, and killed.   The statistics say that of the thousands of citizens who entered S-21, only 7 survived.   The sick part of it all … the center is directly in the center of the city and was once a high school before Pol Pot and his regime transformed it into a killing center.   Makeshift wooden and brick cells in the classrooms, cruel torture methods, bar on the windows, barbed wire across the length of the school buildings.   It's like a terrible, unbelievable nightmare.

There were rooms and rooms of snapshots of the prisoners killed at S-21.   Apparently the center kept incredible records of the men, women, and children who were funneled through there.   This included mug shots with their numbers on their chests and the many pages of "confessions" that were extracted out of the innocent prisoners.

We spent several hours at the center.   It was all overwhelming to take in.   It was hard to understand how we can as human beings continue to do such appalling things.   And that we sit thousands of miles distanced from it and don't even know that it is occurring.   And that we don't intervene when we DO know it's happening.   It all gets really messy, I understand … but 2 million people in the span of 4 years is a high price to pay for our ignorance, blind eye and politically "neutral" stance.

After the museum, we visited one of the actual "Killing Fields."   The Khmer Rouge would transport truckloads of Cambodians to these locations for either death or burial.   The site is currently the location of a monument to the victims.   I would ask that you would respectfully read what information that you can from these photographs and consider looking up more information about the tragedy of the Khmer Rouge and the Killing Fields.

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I realized that I usually only write blogs when something big is going on or if I'm struggling, so I thought I'd write just an average blog.  Let me preface it by telling you I am now in Phnom Penh, Cambodia and am working with this awesome church, New Life Fellowship.   They really have a heart for the community and offer programs like free computer classes, English classes, street kid programs, slum outreaches, and a bunch more.

Today I went to the church and started working on a project to decorate a Prayer/Mother's with Babies Room as well as a Nursery (I love this type of thing).   I had a meeting with the woman who's giving me specifics about the project.   Then I spent a few hours in a coffee shop brainstorming.   After that I met up with her again, hopped on her mo-ped (don't worry I didn't drive), and went to check out what they sell in the local markets.   When we got back, I brainstormed some more, sat while Hannah finished teaching a class, met up with Becca, and headed home.

 
I got off our tuk-tuk and went to the grocery store to pick up chicken for dinner.   Becca and I made skillet chicken with lime, onion, and green peppers and it turned out really good.   I read a bit, talked to my friend Eric about the project I'm working on, watched "The Office" with Stacy and some friends from Yeti (another team), and now I'm ready for bed.

It's been a good day.   J

I have hope again!  :o)  Thank you all for praying, for real.  One of the next few days after I wrote my previous post, I had a chance to sit in Starbucks, pray, and think.  Here are snippets of things I was pondering in my journal.  I had just seen some poetry written on a piece of Starbuck's art on the wall and it inspired me:

"There's hope.  I see glimmers of it everywhere, even in the darkest places.  I've seen it in the sweet smiles of the prostitutes I've chatted with...

The exciting truth with this is that God is everywhere.   Psalm 139:7 says,

"If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths You are there."   

I love that about the God I serve!  He doesn't leave anyone out.  He loves the victim, but also loves the perpetrator!  There's nowhere we can go, nothing we can do to separate us from His love.

There's this song that India Arie sings called "There's Hope" and it's been encouraging to me.  One line of the song is talking about all the evil says, "let it and it'll drive you crazy."  I was letting it and it was driving me crazy.  I had been sad, angry, and frustrated, all valid emotions in response to what I'd seen, but I didn't want to live in those emotions.  I'd rather look for glimmers of hope.  The quote on the NightLight website by Eleanor Rosevelt seems to make more sense to me now, "I'd rather light a candle than curse the darkness."   

...but how do we move forward?  I think the answer is to look towards the light and help to fan the flame with love!  God's already caring for people, but maybe He's also waiting for us to be a part in spreading the light.    I really think this is what Jesus is talking about when He says, "Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven" (Matt 6).  The people He created living out a life of faith, hope, and love.

After this year, I've had lots of opportunities to learn about how to make a difference in the World.  That's one of the reasons I came on this trip.  What I've discovered is that the biggest part of it is loving whoever crosses your path!  I think I've said it before, but it's your family, your co-workers, your neighbors, and the children in Africa that you hear need food and clean water.  We all can do that through God's strength.

After going through this struggle, I think I'm more thankful for the glimmers.  In the chorus of that same song, India says, "There's hope, it doesn't cost a thing to smile, you don't have to pay to laugh, you better thank God for that."

Amen sister.

I've been feeling mildly depressed the past few days.

I think all I've seen this year has started to weigh on me.  It's been hard seeing children who've been abandoned, people dying of AIDS, prostitutes being abused, friends believing lies about themselves...hard realizing that I often have evil in my heart.  What's been harder though has been realizing  to a new degree how evil and suffering is widespread.  Not only is it prevelant in Thailand and Swaziland, but also in my hometown. 

While I still don't know how to process through it all, I do know:

*God is good, He really loves, and He can redeem ANYTHING
*There are many amazing people who stand for Truth, Love, and Justice; people who'll sacrifice their own comfort for the good of others.
*We've been given an example of how to live and the power to do it through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.
*God promises a new heaven and a new earth without the evil and suffering. 

So, I'd love for you guys to be praying for me.  I don't want to be so down about this that I miss opportunities to love today.